It’s been quite awhile since I have written for my blog. This post is going to be more of a journal entry than a blog per se. Because of that, it may offer very scattered thoughts but I hope that in sharing, it will help me process thoughts and help anyone else that may be in the same place in life.

I think many of us, if not most of us, at some time in our lives ask the question “What am I doing here?” Maybe the question relates to a job, a relationship, or the result of a decision made. But it is a very real question. As a Christian, the typical answer is something along the lines of “I am fulfilling the call that God has for my life, which is to live for and glorify Him in all that I do.” And I would answer that way too. But it doesn’t directly address the practical ups and downs we experience (or better said, not what I am currently experiencing).

For those that know me, whether personally or through some social media channel, have seen and heard a myriad of emotions come from me over the last couple of years. There have been words of defeat as I lost a job, lost a house, and was beaten by specific situations. There have been words of victory as I started a new business, was blessed with an amazing new home, and claimed the win during many of life’s challenges. Somewhere in there, a balance needs to be found. Unfortunately, imbalance remains and it leans towards struggle and defeat. I’m not bipolar and I don’t (typically) struggle with depression, but this season of life has brought about those types of feelings.

The easy fix to defeat is achieving new victory but shaking off the defeat can be challenging, especially when the defeats come more frequently than hoped. Being hurt by someone personally, whether it was meant to be “constructive” or just downright vindictive, can leave marks that take much too long to heal. When multiple things pile on at the same time, it brings about a discouragement that I am not used to and don’t deal with well.

I trust in a sovereign God that is in control of every little thing, down to the very breath I take. And maybe at times, that makes the struggle even harder to deal with. I know God’s end-goal but I am not excited about the path. I find myself regularly asking the question, “What am I doing here?” as well as “How much more of this can I actually handle?”

Have you ever felt that way? Have you ever felt like you have come to the very end of yourself? Was there a time (maybe even now) when you were left dumbfounded? How did you deal with it?

There is a band I really love called “Citizens” that recorded a song called “I Am Living in the Land of Death.” I have held onto a few particular lines in the song:

Darkness is everywhere
But there’s a path in the dark that has emerged
I can see a great light beyond this curse
A brilliant blaze that is Your word
A beacon of hope that burns

And I focus my captivated gaze
On the radiant light from Jesus’ face
The water of life is all I crave
Only Your word remains

So here I am. I (think I) see a light beyond this season. I fear the path to get there. I question every role I am in, every place I stand, and in some ways every word I speak. I hate feeling this way and I am ready for this season of life to be over! I turn to the word of God and trust verses like this:

Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured from sinners such hostility against himself, so that you may not grow weary or fainthearted. In your struggle against sin you have not yet resisted to the point of shedding your blood.
Hebrews 12:1-4

So what am I doing here? I’ll have to get back to you on that one!